Bryn drove me to our midwife appointment today. We left 15 minutes late and arrived only 6 minutes late. The drive seems really long from the passenger seat. And the hospital is another 15 minutes down the road and we've only been there once and I was driving. I will not be driving when I'm in labor. I will also be lousy at giving directions. I think I'm going to need to let Bryn drive to the hospital, just to practice, at some point this summer. Panic attack over. For now.
Our midwife is going on maternity leave. I'm not sure how I feel about this. She is leaving the Friday before Memorial Day and won't be back until the first week of September. Unless I deliver over a week late, she will not be at the birth. She is hopeful that I will deliver on time. I have had appointments with the other two midwives. I really liked one of them. The other one was brusque and I didn't like her as much. She is the one my next appointment is with. Perhaps she was just having a bad day. We'll see.
The next appointment my glucose gets tested. They only stock the orange flavored stuff. I'm not looking forward to it (says the woman who just ate a pint of lemon sorbet). And we are going to schedule another sonogram for 32 weeks. The placenta is attached close to the cervix and they want to make sure that while my uterus is expanding the placenta placement is moving further up. Apparently, if the placenta is placed too close to the cervix when the cervix opens the placenta becomes prematurely detached and bleeding commences. Lots of bleeding. Like, Mom is going to need a transfusion bleeding.
This visit: I gained five pounds since my last visit. I had lost 15 between my pre-pregnancy visit and my first prenatal visit - and it had stayed off. So, I'm down 10. So far, everyone is okay with this. My uterus is 24cm which is perfect since I'm 24 weeks along. Considering that I had an internship interview, had to visit the courthouse, missed my bus, and was a passenger in the car to the appointment my blood pressure was a lovely 162/80 and the baby's heart rate is about 140 bpm.
So this was a pretty boring update, but... better boring than not boring at this point.
...for which I am eternally sorry. But I'm not going to change. At least classes are over and once my papers are handed in next week I will, sadly, so longer have an excuse - except my thesis.
So, what have I forgotten to blog? Well for one thing, we had our sonogram. SQWEEE!!!!
The baby is healthy. The doctor checked the brain, the stomach, kidneys, the face - no abnormalities at all.
The kid is healthy and apparently has all right numbers:
Five toes
Five fingers
And one penis!
The doctor said that she usually hemmed and hawed, but there was no need this time. She captured a still, walked over to the big screen and pointed out the umbilical cord, both legs, and the penis. He practically sat on the wand for her.
No other big news, really. He's been moving strongly enough that I can watch him move sometimes. And last night, finally, Bryn got to feel him. Again, the look on Bryn's face was fantastic! I am loving Bryn getting all these baby firsts. I shared a lot of Alex's pregnancy with Bryn; but this one is his.
Bryn took all my pregnancy photos when I carried Alex. We haven't taken any this pregnancy. I'm not sure how, or if, we want to commemorate this pregnancy. I'm not happy with my skin, so the idea of photos really isn't doing it for me. We thought about a belly cast, but then we are stuck with a huge belly cast... Where the hell would we put it? And I probably wouldn't want to look at it for the rest of my life.
I have a midwife appointment on Monday, right after my interview for my summer internship. I'll get back to you on how they both go.
I posted this to Facebook a few days ago. I "popped" while UVM was on break. I got dressed one morning and Bryn looked at me and his eyes got huge. Apparently, the cute little maternity top I had on just accented the belly and I suddenly looked pregnant. I now cannot look like I am not pregnant. Even in my regular clothes I look pregnant now. I think this is the last time I'll get to wear my Peaches T-shirt until after the baby is born.
My appetite is back, kind of. I can still go hours without eating but mostly because I'm busy and not thinking about it. When I am hungry... the baby and the food duke it out for space and I am really uncomfortable.
I got to go out to dinner with a professor, a guest speaker, and another classmate and the food portions were enormous. No one finished their meals - I tried, but the waitress took away my plate. The four of us split two desserts. That was disappointing. I should have asked if I could order my own dessert... I didn't realize how hungry I still was until I took a mouthful of the flourless chocolate cake ala mode. Good thing the maple creme brulee was in front of me - I don't like custards.
The weather was amazing here for a whole week! I got to wear summer skirts and short sleeves and sit in the sunshine and run around barefoot!
While it was so pretty I ran into a friend who is also in the English Masters program at UVM. We were walking on campus when I came off my clogs. Apparently, my ankles are loosening up again. I lost my ankles in Brattleboro walking around with Bryn when I was pregnant with Alex - we immediately went to the Shoe Tree and bought me a pair of Earth shoes. No more heels during pregnancy for me. I bought a pair of flat Tevas yesterday (except mine are mesh and cost $20 less).
I am really busy with school and have neglected to change my name in a few places yet, but I'll get around to it at some point. I am meeting with (hopefully) my first reader for my thesis on Monday, attending a friend's thesis defense on Tuesday, and then I'm going to Fletcher Allen for my ultrasound. Somewhere in there I'm doing reading and homework and working on papers and meeting with other professors and....
I awoke this morning having dreamed about the baby's birth! It was a lovely dream:
I was in my bed and I worried that I had wet myself in my sleep and then realized my water may have broken. I opened my eyes and was in a white loft apartment in a small city. It was like being upstairs in downtown Rutland again: Big windows letting in lots of light, exposed but painted pipes and duct work, cast iron radiators. I was getting out of a big white bed covered in soft fluffy pillows, sheets, and comforter. The bed was really just a high mattress on the shiny pale hardwood floor. I went to the far corner to the white tiled bathroom and as I was cleaning up I felt a bulge almost like the baby was crowning. So I washed my hands and crawled back to my bed.
There was another woman in my room, on an identical bed, in labor. She was not happy. She was so mad that I was so calm. She said all kinds of things about how long she had been there and how much pain she was in and wanting to know where everyone was... I just tuned her out. I completely ignored her once I figured out she wasn't helpful.
I crawled back to my bed. The comforter was huge and draped over the sides by several feet in every direction. I was on the comforter, with my hands on the mattress at the foot of the bed and I just thought about my breathing. I gently pushed as I exhaled and guided the baby to the floor between my knees and I smiled down at this perfect little person staring back at me. I was tired but his eyes completely captivated me.
Alex's eyes were DARK when she was born. Bryn's eyes were dark when he was born. The boy in my dream had the most arresting blue eyes I have ever seen. Mine were cobalt when I was born and until I was about 6. His were brighter and made his whites seem whiter, not nearly blue like mine did.
He was perfect. He was calm. He never looked away from me. I scooped him up and climbed into the bed all propped up by the big fluffy pillows. I tried to get him to nurse and he latched right on but managed to do it without breaking eye contact with me.
My mom came in and was upset she had missed it. Bryn came in, beaming, and I asked him if I had delivered the placenta yet. Everyone was calm. Everyone was happy. Everything was light and bright and I never took my eyes off my beautiful baby boy...
And then the alarm clock went off.
Happy Friday! (Frigg's Day - Norse goddess of mothers and child birth and skiing. Did I mention it's snowing here?)
So, sorry about the study post. It never happened. I was sick. I had a sore throat and a cough that just made the pregnancy exhaustion that much worse. I tried to eat the food. I tried to swallow their prenatal vitamins. I couldn't do it. I woke up the day before the test and gave up. I had no voice and could not get out of bed. I emailed the nice people from the test and they will contact me to do the third test at about 30 weeks. Unfortunately, the money I was going to get for participating in the study I was going to use to set up an account with the local diaper service. So there goes that...
Bryn and I are officially married! It was an elopement of sorts. Not being married to the man I love and the father of my unborn child had finally gotten to me badly enough that we made it legal.
(Bless Aunty Kay and her lack of technological know-how; neither the date nor the time is correct)
I am, gratefully, feeling better than I had been for the past few weeks and managed to change my name at the DMV, SS Office, the bank, the Dept. of Econ. Svc., and my landlord. It totally tuckered me out and I slept like the dead for 11 hours, got Alex out the door to school, and went back to bed for another 2 hours. I've been a little sleepy all day but I did manage to get out and about. I ordered a pair of prescription sunglasses! Yay! I'm broke, but I'll be able to see in sunshine! I don't remember being so sensitive to sunlight - but it has been a long dreary winter.
I'm still SuperMom. I've managed to get my kid into bed within 1.5 hours of her bedtime all week. I found 3 of her mittens in the Lost & Found at her school. I went to her school play despite how sick I was that week. She got flowers even though she had no speaking part, wore black, and pretty much hung out in the back. They are two weeks old now and are still pretty-ish. I think it's a commentary on how cold her room is more than my green thumb... Why is her room always the coldest room in the apartment and my room the hottest?
Speaking of the kid: no one is moving out of the big apartments on the other side of the town line. That means that the baby will be nearly a year old before we have a bigger place, but Alex can stay in the awesome school in Colchester! I know that the bigger place would be really nice - it has a sunroom and the living room is nearly the size of our whole apartment - but the rent is huge and the schools suck.
Went to the midwife yesterday. Our next appointment is 20 weeks. We will get to see the baby. The muffin will be half way to being baked. SQWEEE!!!
For the last week or so I've felt little flutters in my stomach. It's sort of like a fighting fish with a really big tail swimming around in a little bag. In my stomach. Having felt it before and being sick in bed were definitely conducive to noticing such a gentle movement.
The queasies have mostly gone away. Mostly. My appetite is nothing like what it was. I have lost 15 pounds since my first appointment (pre-pregnancy) at the midwife's - and it's been pretty consistent. I was down 15 pounds at the last appointment too. The midwives want me to give them a three-day food diary for the next appointment. They are not picking on me - everyone gets to do it. I hate it and it makes me self-conscious. I don't eat. I nibble. And sometimes I don't eat for hours. For example: today I had half of a toasted turkey sandwich, a Hershey kiss, most of a pickle spear, half of an oversized oatmeal raisin cookie, two slices of pepperoni and mushroom pizza, and a cheezy bread stick. I may or may not eat again before bed. Keep in mind that I effectively slept until 11. Three days of this? I wish I were hungrier. The sandwich was awesome, but I couldn't finish it. It's in the fridge.
Anyway. It's been a boring and eventful couple of weeks. I can't wait for Bryn and Al to be able to feel the baby!
I mentioned this way back in the first post; I'm enrolled in a study at UVM's Clinical Research Center. They are studying preeclampsia: can it be predicted, avoided, and how do we treat it? It's a pretty neat study. It's number 1018 down next to the bottom of this page.
The second visit of the study, for me, is on Wednesday. I will officially be in my second trimester (woot!) and the pregnancy will be more secure. I will only be there for a few hours this time. They will take vials of blood, do a few sonograms of veins and arteries (including the one that feeds my uterus so I may get a view of the baby), and release me into the wild... After, of course, having fed me and collected my pee.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I have to eat what they supply for me. I picked up Sunday and Monday's meals today. Salads and whole wheat pasta dishes. There is a dessert for Sunday night, but not Monday. The macaroni and cheese looks good. I'm almost looking forward to the meals. Almost. I had talked to the woman who made the meals about my food preferences and we discussed my yogurt and nut aversions and that I had been eating egg and cheese on a bagel every morning... We never discussed my bean aversion. There are beans in both dinners. And since they can't measure the nutrients in each individual egg - I have egg substitute for both breakfasts. The salads look beautiful though. Garbanzo beans and all. A courier is coming Monday with my meals for Tuesday.
I will be fasting when I arrive at the hospital at 8am on Wednesday. Not so much as a sip of water. I will have a headache (having ridden the bus there) and demand they hurry up so I can drink. The first thing I do lately is wake the Boo and prep her snack and breakfast and pour myself a glass of juice. I get some fluids, vitamin C, and a boost of sugar. I will not have my hummingbird fuel on board when I see the happy hospital staff...
I will present to them all of my leftovers and a jug of my pee. They will measure and analyze both of them.
I think I signed up for this study for the same reason I allow training nurses and midwives and doctors to help out during my exams. I want to help people learn. Since I can't teach them myself, I help them in the only way that I can. I really do think that dissecting the frog is not something you can substitute with a diagram. I have an aunt with three kidneys and a friend with one huge one - real-life is so much freakier than a diagram.
There are three midwives at Tapestry Midwifery. Heather is the one with whom we started (that just sounds awkward, but I have an ancient English teacher screaming in my head), but she is pregnant and may not be back from her maternity leave before I deliver. Bryn and I decided to rotate through the midwives and get to know all of them as a matter of principle.
Today we met with Martha and her shadow. Alaura (sp?) is a midwife in-training and she sat in on my appointment and took my blood pressure. I was raised in a medical household, so I tend to be completely fine with trainees observing and helping - they have to learn somewhere. I'd rather have a doctor, nurse, or midwife who was allowed to listen, observe, and help than one who was constantly denied the opportunity while still learning. I treated her like a shadow and practically ignored her. I feel a bit guilty about that, but for those of you who have had "female" exams before, I think you may understand my detachment.
Bryn and I started by telling Martha how the pregnancy was progressing and how different this one is than Alex's. Instead of my face clearing up and feeling fantastic, I have completely broken out, I am queasy and exhausted. Martha smiled and gave me the old rote about no two pregnancies being alike. She also said that there are some OTC things I can do for my face and if it comes to it she can recommend a dermatologist consult. I think I'll stick it out. Martha mentioned rosacea and having read about it, I have to agree... I'm really not happy about this. She also mentioned that my blood work came back good, except my iron levels are where she would want them at 28 weeks - I need to step it up. Ugh...
We talked about my last pregnancy and her delivery and my labor and Martha reassured me that Tapestry is probably a much better fit for me than my old cranky OB had been. I don't want to get into Alex's birth story. But Martha had worked with the man who replaced my old OB and we agreed that he was very sweet and worth the hour trip for an annual Pap.
Down to the exam. Blood pressure was done by the shadow 110/74, which is perfectly normal but a bit high for me. But I'M GOING TO HEAR THE BABY! So I laid back, Martha gooped my belly (apologizing that she needed to use the goop, when the baby is bigger and easier to get at they use coconut oil), and ran the microphone over my belly. She had mentioned that it's still a little early and it may take a while to find it yet, but she pressed the mic down and slid it half and inch and "swishswishswishswishswish" loud and clear. I think Bryn came up out of his chair. The look on his face was amazing. He looked shocked and surprised and thrilled and so full of love. I thought he was going to scoop me up abdomen first and press his ear to my belly. We are going to bring Alex to the next appointment so she can hear too.
Obviously not me, but so you know what we were hearing:
And I am in my 12th week, so the heart rate is pretty accurate.
After listening to the baby, Bryn was asked to leave. This is the part of the exam that I dread and is no longer safe for children to read about. This is where I get asked about my past, my triggers, and whether or not I am safe in my current relationship. Ugh... I blamed my flashbacks and nightmares during Alex's pregnancy on the OB asking me those questions - I hadn't been thinking about any of it before he brought it up - it's all his fault! Well... not so much. Obviously. Most women who have been abused or assaulted have control issues and there is no control over what your body is doing during pregnancy or labor or delivery (well, a bit, but not nearly enough) and pregnancy is inherently sexual so all those vulnerabilities resurface and wreak havoc on a pregnant woman's mind. For some women a certain body position will freak her out for others it has situational triggers: showers, mustaches, Aspen cologne... For me there's one of each. I explained about Bryn shaving his face clean and kissing him and I had terrible nightmares, so he grew back his facial hair. Martha "awww"'d and phrased the next question gently, "So you feel safe in your current relationship?" instead of "Do you?" which I think was nice of her.
This next bit is more biological. My chest is clear, my heart sounds good, I got swabbed for chlamydia, the walls of my vagina are healthy and pink, and I have a "lovely" purple cervix. The shadow actually called my cervix "lovely" and I thanked her; it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about my cervix.
The swab for chlamydia will prevent the baby needing eyedrops. As I will be nursing immediately and eternally (if you've been there you understand), the Vitamin K shot will be unnecessary. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get around the Hep B vaccine. In talking to my mother, the RN, the Hep B is to protect the baby from the hospital. As the kid will be rooming in with me, not mopping up blood, swapping needles, or having unprotected sex, I think I may be able to get out of the hospital without the shot. I hope.
