Sleep; or Why I Don't

Everyone knows that pregnant women don't sleep well. It all gets chalked up to the squashed bladder and the basketball strapped to the abdomen, but it's so much more than that.

First of all, for me, is the fact that I am a face-sleeper. I normally sleep flat on my stomach with my head under the pillow. Bryn thinks this is terribly weird and it worried him at first. Yes, I can breathe. No, the boobs don't get in the way. (But they will the entire time I'm nursing)

Now that there is a belly, I have to sleep either on one side or the other. Back sleeping is not an option. For those of you who don't know: sleeping on ones back while pregnant can pinch an artery and squishes lots of organs and, for whatever reason, makes it hard to breathe. And it's impossible to sit up from flat on your back. So, left or right are the only options.

Now, all health care professionals are going to tell a pregnant woman to sleep on her left side. That artery in her back is least compressed and the blood flow to the uterus is best if she lies on her left side. I slept on my left exclusively for the nine months I was pregnant with Alex. I can't do that any more.

Since I have to get up every couple of hours to pee anyway, I switch sides. I start on my left, but depending on how many times I get up in the night, I may finish the night on my right.

Not only does my hip get sore, my ear hurts. If you didn't know me as a child, you may not know quite how far my ears stick out. Lying on them hurts that cartilage that makes them stick out.

And if I'm not careful with how I position my arm, while lying on my left, the top one gets tingly and I lose the sensation in my fingers. I have an old shoulder injury that makes positioning my right arm crucial or it's uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

Then there's the heat thing. A pregnant woman's volume of blood is a lot greater than it was a year ago. I'm a freaking furnace. I remember being hot with Alex, but at least in March and April, I could just turn down the heat or open the window. I sleep with a fan pointed directly at me. (Since I can't take my allergy meds, this dries out the stuff in my nose and makes my nose hurt - so not directly related to sleep, but makes it harder for me to get a good stretch of it since I need to clear out my nose so I can breathe without drooling) I still sweat a lot, even with the fan. I get up to pee and the pillow needs to be flipped over because it is all cold and damp. The body pillow I put between my breasts also needs to be flipped, for the same reason.

The body pillow. It needs to go between my breasts or they are smooched against one another and they just pool sweat. It runs from between them and I get rashy. The pillow also has to go between my knees and ankles so my hips don't ache quite so badly. It also keeps me away from my husband... I don't like that part. However, considering how much heat I throw, he doesn't want to snuggle with me anyway, so it's not a really big deal. I guess.

And there's the peeing. I need to get up somewhere between every 45 minutes and 3 hours. I am grateful for the 3 hour stretches. Getting from horizontal to vertical takes a lot of energy and logistics. This leg has to go here before that leg can go there and this arm has to support the whole structure before you can lean that way. And then when you get to the bathroom, the trickle that is produced is so unsatisfying that you sit there longer than you need to and your legs fall asleep because you did too, accidentally. You know there has to be more pee - that tiny amount could not have been the urgency that got you out of bed. Seriously.

And then you have to climb back into bed and try to get comfortable all over again, except now your spot is all cold and damp from the sweat. But at least, by this point, you're exhausted and drop right off to sleep. Usually.

The Due Date

Woke this morning to a call from the midwife's office asking me to meet her at the birthing center 2.5 hours earlier than my appointment was scheduled for originally.

We were rushing to get out the door when we got a call to meet her at the same time but at her office. We all breathed a sigh of relief and were still 5 minutes late.

I timed my contractions the entire way down there and they were about 7 minutes apart. We sat down to talk and she told me to stop timing them - it was making me crazy. She watched a contraction and we talked about how to breathe through them. By watching me, she knew I wasn't there yet. The system was "tuning up". I'd really like the overture to begin...

She did another internal and I'm still at 1 cm, but I'm about 50% effaced. BP was 120/60 just post contraction, so I'm feeling pretty good. My weight went down by 2 pounds from last week. 

This morning, I was queasy and (sorry, TMI) had the poops, so I was really hopeful that today was going to be the day. 

Contractions aren't regular. They aren't hard. They are down the front. I get a few that hurt down into my pelvis, but they are pretty rare. 

I kind of just want to hide in the house, curled up, watching movies, or playing Uno. I cry a lot. Jerry Nelson dying didn't help. I want Alex to have fun and go out. I want Bryn to get on with his day. But if I'm alone all I do is sleep. Or dwell.

Maybe I should get a babysitter for Alex tomorrow and take Bryn out to a movie and/or dinner. 

I'm terrified of missing the first days of classes... I have no contingency plan. This wasn't supposed to happen. The baby was supposed to be "early" or on time - he's a second birth. Bryn has a job interview. Alex has an open house for her new class. Stuff has to happen and ... stressing out is not going to help. But I can't really help it. 

I'll keep you posted.

Still Pregnant...

We have passed my original due date of August 21st. We are on the eve of the "official" due date. I have been having contractions for about four days now. We all sat around waiting on Tuesday. I really wanted to have the baby on Tuesday. I'm not sure why... Well maybe I have a few reasons.

I liked the idea of having a roaring Leo demanding to be the center of attention. I liked the idea of having a week before my classes started again to get used to having the little guy in the house. I just really wanted to have him on Tuesday. I was even ready... He had been pretty quiet, I had very little appetite, I had nothing in my digestive system to speak of; it felt right. Contractions never got closer together than 10 minutes and I could talk through all of them. 

Yesterday, Bryn convinced me to get out of the house and get my mind off of it. We walked around downtown for a little bit. Not much of an appetite. Stronger contractions, but still 14 minutes apart...

Today, I said to heck with it and told Bryn that I planned to go run a whole bunch of errands - on the bus. He vetoed the bus idea and we all went to Big Lots. I went for printer paper. We spent over $70. Good thing we brought the car. Then we took Alex to see ParaNorman. Bryn and I both figured it was our last chance for us to do something just for her for a while. We didn't tell her about it until we pulled up to the theater for fear I'd go into labor and disappoint her. It was a really good movie and she enjoyed it (even though she was scared through a lot of it). She also got a nosebleed in the middle of the movie. That was pretty upsetting too. 

I fell asleep in my chair after dinner, so Bryn sent me and Boo to bed at the same time. I tucked her in  and tried to go to sleep myself. Didn't work. I snuggled with Bryn for a bit. I cried. I whined. I'm uncomfortable. The belly is in the way of everything. My hips hurt. My pelvis hurts. My wedding ring is getting hard to take off. I'm hot. Contractions are about 10 minutes apart... 2 more minutes, consistently, and I can call the midwife. But no... and the last one was 20 minutes ago... I'm not sure I'm ever having this baby. 

Midwife appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'll keep you posted.

Quick Update

Went to the midwife today. I've gained 7 pounds in the last week. It's all water-weight, but it cracked Bryn up. I just kept nudging the little weight and he kept saying, "no...", "no...", "you're kidding...", "really?", "no...", "How did you do that?" I had no answer for him, other than, "I just had a banana."

The midwife was not surprised. She says that I'm going to sweat it all out in the first week or so... Like I'm not sweating enough as it is.

I asked for a cervix check. I know that it doesn't predict anything. I know that I could walk around for weeks dilated to 3cm, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know if I was doing anything productive. I'm about 1cm and 25% effaced. My cervix is positioned correctly and the midwife could feel the baby's head and he's positioned well. I cramped a bit after she poked at me, but it wasn't too bad.

I've had about four contractions today. The closest together they've been is 25 minutes.

We toured the birth center again. The nice nurse who showed us around reiterated the midwife's advice: rest, drink, eat. Nap, snack, drink. Be rested, hydrated, and have calorie reserves. Not really a problem. I'm always tired. Always hungry. Always thirsty. I put on a movie that I kind of want to watch and fall asleep before the opening credits are over.

Hopefully, I'll get to spend some time in the hospital in the next few days. I'll keep you posted.

One Week Until My Due Date

When the kid actually decides to make an appearance is anybody's guess. Bryn thinks it's going to be the 21st. I've been having mild contractions in the evenings for a few nights now. Nothing major, just generally uncomfortable. They are just Braxton Hicks, but they are making me hyper aware of how prepared we are.

We have the bed set up. We have the cradle set up. We have clean, folded, organized clothes. We have 80 cloth diapers and two packages of Seventh Generation disposables. We have diaper service set-up. I have a bag packed and in the car. I packed one for the baby and that is in the car. I packed a garbage bag with towels and twine and put that in the car. Bryn packed a bag last night and that will go in the car today. I'll help Alex pack a bag today to put in the car. Bryn and I have toured the Birthing Center and plan to see it again with Alex today. They have a scheduled induction today, but a quick swing through shouldn't be too disruptive.

I just want to have it over with. I just want to be done with it. I want a baby in my arms. I want my body back. I want to be capable of sleeping through the night (I know it won't happen, but I want to be capable of being denied a good night's sleep). I am sick of not being comfortable. I am tired of needing to pee every hour. I miss sleeping on my stomach. I miss sleeping with my husband - I am too hot to want to touch him in my sleep and half the time my "boyfriend" (what Bryn calls my bodypillow) is between us. I miss hugging my husband. I miss picking up my Boo. I miss my feet.

Maybe this will be my last prenatal blog post. One can only hope.

In Homage to My Boo

I have a wonderful little girl. She is bright, funny, silly, thoughtful, helpful, and tends to be pretty. She's in love with pretty dresses and flip-flops. She has a crush on a sweet boy from her first grade class. She loves cute animals and wants a kitten. She knows our limitations and is okay with another fish. If she asks for something and is told, "No," she is okay with it. She appreciates an explanation but is accepting either way. She has never whined when not allowed something. She has never thrown a tantrum in public.

This is not to say that she hasn't whined - it's usually because she has to do something she doesn't want to do, like clean her room or go shopping. She threw a tantrum once when she was wee and I don't remember what it was about, but I stepped over her and continued doing what I was doing. She stopped and asked if she could help.

I have the most wonderful little girl in the world living under my roof and I am privileged to be her mother. I have hardly done her the service she deserves. I do not spend as much time with her as I should. I do not read to her as much as I should. I do not listen to her as much as I should. I should let her help me more. I should trust her more than I do. She still does weird little kid things and I still see her as little, but she is quickly getting big. She starts second grade in two weeks. She's going to be one of the big fish in her little school.

She is going to be the world's best big sister. I love my Boo.

Self-centered Post

I'm going to be brief for once.

I have a baby registry. I don't actually expect anything from anyone; but I figured I'd let everyone know that I had one after all the hemming and hawing I did a few months ago. The benefit is that if I don't get everything on the list I can purchase the items myself at 10% off... the downside, is that I have to buy them all at once to get the discount... Ah well.

I've also, finally, decided on how to commemorate this pregnancy: Doodles!
It's temporary, like a cast. It makes a great canvas, like a cast. Why not treat it kind of like a cast? Since I'm not keeping the cast - I'm taking pictures:

The canvas is not small.

Alex drew the first one. It's a family portrait. We are all royal and all have crowns. Alex gets a rainbow as well.

Big shiny belly from head on.

Bryn did this one last night. I love it. And check it out: MY FEET! Haven't seen them in ages.

I invited a friend over to draw on my belly this afternoon. I haven't uploaded the pictures yet, but it's very pretty. I think I'm going to start a Google album of them. I've already uploaded these four to my Facebook. 

If you live nearby and want to doodle on my belly, let me know. I'm pretty accommodating, if ticklish.

Update: here is the one my friend doodled on Sunday, my "tramp stamp":

Anxiety

The diapers arrived this morning. I have 80 small prefolds, a diaper can with liner, 2 brand new Snappis, a tiny bottle of baby powder, a little tin of diaper salve, a new cloth shopping bag, and a thing. It's a little wafer of something in a plastic package. I'm not sure what it is; I should probably email the nice lady from the diaper service about it...

Eighty diapers is a lot of diapers. I had to do some serious rearranging of stuff. But I also now have diapers so I packed the baby's hospital bag.

My hospital bag is already in the car. I'm bringing my own johnny coat. It's been washed so many times that it's super soft, unlike the new ones that hospitals stock. I've also packed my black wrap dress, old but clean panties, the super soft and comfy sleeping/nursing bra that Bryn's mom sent me, toothbrush & toothpaste, Tylenol, comb and hair ties, and the really sweet pj set my mom got me. I probably won't wear all of the set - I'd hate to get it messed up with bodily fluids, but it has a short nursing top and a jacket for keeping me warm.

We have a cosleeper, we just have to set it up. We have a cradle in the living room, we're just waiting on a mattress for it. I found the Amby and washed all the bedding and set it up in the living room. I took it apart again because it takes up a lot of room. Push comes to shove: the cradle can go into storage and the Amby can go where the cradle is now. So we do have a place for the baby to sleep if he comes this afternoon.

We have diapers, clothes, a bed, a sling, I'm making colostrum (I leaked a bit last night)... Why am I so scared?

The midwife and my therapist both say it's because I've done it before. The first time, you don't know what to expect. What does a contraction feel like? How much could it possibly hurt? How long could it possibly go on? Women have been giving birth for millenia, how hard could it be? And that's just labor and delivery stuff. That doesn't even include the baby stuff.

I think I've mentioned that Bryn is looking for work. His contract wasn't renewed, so he's on unemployment. But that didn't kick in until last week because he had to go through an adjudication period before his waiting period. My ex-husband hasn't paid child support since May. The Office of Child Support sent me paperwork about taking him to court. Again. My loan disbursement isn't due for at least another week. This all might have something to do with the anxiety, on top of the stuff I know to expect.

I will not have Pitocin this time, so that should make my contractions more bearable. The lack of pitocin should also make my labor more productive. Since I won't have the pitocin, I won't need the Stadol, which should mean that the baby won't have a slow heart rate. Hopefully, this time there won't be meconium in the waters. Hopefully, this time I won't need an episiotomy. Hopefully, this time the baby will cry and I'll be able to hold him within an hour of birth.

I'm just anxious. I was up for over an hour last night just trying to breathe and stop crying. We all know everything is okay. Bryn tries very hard to soothe me. Alex is excited. Why can't I stop panicking and enjoy this?

Less than 3 weeks to go...

Saturday, Bryn and Boo and I went swimming in the lake. The belly was just too heavy to stay upright as I left the water. I stayed sitting in the shallows for nearly an hour playing with rocks and shells. When Bryn finally convinced me to get out of the water, the baby had truly settled into my pelvis.

The waddle is pronounced. I sleep in the direct line of a fan because I sweat so much at night. I'm hungry, but I have no place for the food to go. I'm tired all the time.

My mom's best friend called her yesterday to tell my mom to tell me to put 3 or 4 towels in a kitchen garbage bag to keep in the car. When I go into labor, put the bag over the seat and the towels over the bag. "She'll never get the amniotic fluid out of the upholstery. Trust me." Aunt Elaine has three kids. She also recommended a length of twine for the cord since the drive to the hospital is so long.

There is so much to do and I just don't have the energy to do it. I just want to sleep all the time. Things still need to get put into the storage unit. Bryn wants to take things to consignment. There are so many things that just don't have a place in our tiny little place.

We still need a mattress for the cradle in the living room. I need to get rid of my bedside table so that we can put the co-sleeper next to the bed. All the sheets and blankets are clean, I just need to get the beds set up. I need to get enough room in the living room to set up the Amby and make sure it's still in good order.

And the place needs to be vacuumed. And Alex needs to clean her room. And the laundry needs to get done. First, I need to pee and take a nap.

Frightfully Biological - feel free to skip this one

I am completely fascinated by what my body is doing. This post is going to be a bit more graphic than the rest of the posts I've written before. Either skip it or brace yourself.

The day after - more pink than red. Still painful.

I'll ease my way into this... I sunburn very easily now. I used to burn occasionally, but I think I've burned my shoulders at least three times so far this summer. Today I did something terribly dumb. I was weeding in the garden and my dress (yes, I garden in dresses and skirts. They are very comfortable and when I stand up in the breeze, very refreshing) crept above my knees. I was sitting on an upturned bucket, so the belly could go between my legs when I bent over. It must have been the angle of the sun, but the tops of my knees are bright red, hot, and tender.  My calves and shins are fine.  The parts of my knees that I kneel on are fine. I never noticed how much I actually slap my knees until today. Who does that?

My neck is holding them up. You don't
want to know where they are before I tie
them up. 

I've written about my breasts before. They are getting bigger and heavier. They are so heavy that holding them up is painful - my shoulders, my neck, the places where my bras rub - all hurt at the end of the day. Then I take the bra off and they get really heavy... seriously, I can't win. Bryn will occasionally walk up behind me and cup them for me when I seem tired. He has no idea how good it feels for them to be held up independently of my body. Hence the bathing suit. 

Swimming, as previously mentioned, makes me buoyant (but if the belly floats too high it gets hard to breathe). It also makes my breasts buoyant. I suffer through the halter top so I can get in the water. 

Attached to my breasts are my nipples and areolas (I warned you). The areolas have become enormous and are turning pink. It is getting really hard to hide them in my lower cut tops, bras, and the bathing suit. Bryn is usually poking at them and tugging at my tops to tuck them into whatever they've escaped from. I don't notice anymore. God help us when I start nursing again...

Speaking of, I've started making colostrum. I didn't leak at all with Alex, but when I wake up in the morning or undress at the end of the day my nipples and areolas have a bit of slightly sticky colostrum on them and in the little creases of my nipples. Okay, that was more gross than I intended, but I think it's so neat. I'm already making the baby's first meal, and he's not even here yet. Just like me to screw up the timing of a meal though... 

Moving south... Vurps. The gas thing has been mentioned. It's still a problem, but worse is the vurp thing that's begun with more frequency. With my stomach so close to my mouth lying down is scary if I've eaten recently. Let's face it: I've usually eaten recently. My whole digestive tract is uncomfortable, actually. If it comes out the top, it's gross and makes me queasy; if it comes out the bottom, it hurt. 

Everything between my legs is tender. Swollen, pink, and always damp. Everything. I started wearing pantyliners because I was sick of having to change my panties in the middle of the afternoon.

I've been sitting on a 65cm yoga ball for the last week or so, and it's helping with my pelvic pain. I think I need a bigger ball, though, especially if I'm going to be sitting at the computer on it. I still need to sit in the recliner on a regular basis though... My feet actually got swollen last week. It was scary. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I'd been doing dishes and sitting at the computer and I went to put my flip-flops on and they were tight. I got home and put my feet up. My ankles were puffy. It was weird. Bryn didn't really notice, but I could feel it.

The peeing thing... I pee a lot. Last night I was up every 45 minutes or so. I would sleep a lot better if I weren't constantly peeing. At about 4am I contemplated just sleeping in the tub. But at least when I get up I can get back into bed and sleep on the other side. My hips get sore if I lay on one side for too long. Heck, my butt gets sore if I sit for too long - but then my back and hips hurt if I stand or walk for too long - and "too long" is really subjective. My five minute showers, while I'm busy scrubbing, are totally okay. Standing in line at the supermarket, not so much.

Speaking of standing: I can't do dishes anymore! I can't reach the bottom of the sink for the belly. I tried doing them sideways, but that put a weird strain on my shoulders and back and I needed to have a foot up on a stool. It was torturous and awkward and Bryn has taken over for me.

The kid, himself... he has taken to squirming. He wriggles and writhes under my ribs, under my books, on top of my bladder, into my stomach and lungs... Sometimes he will move suddenly and sharply and catch me off guard and I gasp and startle everyone around me. He threw me off balance once and I caught myself against a wall. Pregnant women should not walk swiftly - a good plodding waddle is fast enough. If the gyro-scoping kid acts up, you're less likely to fall. I think he's getting ready to arrive. I wish I were more ready...