I love the last post, but it can't stay the last post...

I posted this to Facebook a few days ago. I "popped" while UVM was on break. I got dressed one morning and Bryn looked at me and his eyes got huge. Apparently, the cute little maternity top I had on just accented the belly and I suddenly looked pregnant. I now cannot look like I am not pregnant. Even in my regular clothes I look pregnant now. I think this is the last time I'll get to wear my Peaches T-shirt until after the baby is born.

My appetite is back, kind of. I can still go hours without eating but mostly because I'm busy and not thinking about it. When I am hungry... the baby and the food duke it out for space and I am really uncomfortable. 

I got to go out to dinner with a professor, a guest speaker, and another classmate and the food portions were enormous. No one finished their meals - I tried, but the waitress took away my plate. The four of us split two desserts. That was disappointing. I should have asked if I could order my own dessert... I didn't realize how hungry I still was until I took a mouthful of the flourless chocolate cake ala mode. Good thing the maple creme brulee was in front of me - I don't like custards. 

The weather was amazing here for a whole week! I got to wear summer skirts and short sleeves and sit in the sunshine and run around barefoot! 

While it was so pretty I ran into a friend who is also in the English Masters program at UVM. We were walking on campus when I came off my clogs. Apparently, my ankles are loosening up again. I lost my ankles in Brattleboro walking around with Bryn when I was pregnant with Alex - we immediately went to the Shoe Tree and bought me a pair of Earth shoes. No more heels during pregnancy for me. I bought a pair of flat Tevas yesterday (except mine are mesh and cost $20 less). 

I am really busy with school and have neglected to change my name in a few places yet, but I'll get around to it at some point. I am meeting with (hopefully) my first reader for my thesis on Monday, attending a friend's thesis defense on Tuesday, and then I'm going to Fletcher Allen for my ultrasound. Somewhere in there I'm doing reading and homework and working on papers and meeting with other professors and.... 

I will let you all know how the ultrasound goes. 

Birth Dream

I awoke this morning having dreamed about the baby's birth! It was a lovely dream:

I was in my bed and I worried that I had wet myself in my sleep and then realized my water may have broken. I opened my eyes and was in a white loft apartment in a small city. It was like being upstairs in downtown Rutland again: Big windows letting in lots of light, exposed but painted pipes and duct work, cast iron radiators. I was getting out of a big white bed covered in soft fluffy pillows, sheets, and comforter. The bed was really just a high mattress on the shiny pale hardwood floor. I went to the far corner to the white tiled bathroom and as I was cleaning up I felt a bulge almost like the baby was crowning. So I washed my hands and crawled back to my bed.
There was another woman in my room, on an identical bed, in labor. She was not happy. She was so mad that I was so calm. She said all kinds of things about how long she had been there and how much pain she was in and wanting to know where everyone was... I just tuned her out. I completely ignored her once I figured out she wasn't helpful.
I crawled back to my bed. The comforter was huge and draped over the sides by several feet in every direction. I was on the comforter, with my hands on the mattress at the foot of the bed and I just thought about my breathing. I gently pushed as I exhaled and guided the baby to the floor between my knees and I smiled down at this perfect little person staring back at me. I was tired but his eyes completely captivated me.
Alex's eyes were DARK when she was born. Bryn's eyes were dark when he was born. The boy in my dream had the most arresting blue eyes I have ever seen. Mine were cobalt when I was born and until I was about 6. His were brighter and made his whites seem whiter, not nearly blue like mine did.
He was perfect. He was calm. He never looked away from me. I scooped him up and climbed into the bed all propped up by the big fluffy pillows. I tried to get him to nurse and he latched right on but managed to do it without breaking eye contact with me.
My mom came in and was upset she had missed it. Bryn came in, beaming, and I asked him if I had delivered the placenta yet. Everyone was calm. Everyone was happy. Everything was light and bright and I never took my eyes off my beautiful baby boy...

And then the alarm clock went off.
Happy Friday! (Frigg's Day - Norse goddess of mothers and child birth and skiing. Did I mention it's snowing here?)

Wow. 15 weeks and 6 days.

So, sorry about the study post. It never happened. I was sick. I had a sore throat and a cough that just made the pregnancy exhaustion that much worse. I tried to eat the food. I tried to swallow their prenatal vitamins. I couldn't do it. I woke up the day before the test and gave up. I had no voice and could not get out of bed. I emailed the nice people from the test and they will contact me to do the third test at about 30 weeks. Unfortunately, the money I was going to get for participating in the study I was going to use to set up an account with the local diaper service. So there goes that...

Bryn and I are officially married! It was an elopement of sorts. Not being married to the man I love and the father of my unborn child had finally gotten to me badly enough that we made it legal.

(Bless Aunty Kay and her lack of technological know-how; neither the date nor the time is correct)

I am, gratefully, feeling better than I had been for the past few weeks and managed to change my name at the DMV, SS Office, the bank, the Dept. of Econ. Svc., and my landlord. It totally tuckered me out and I slept like the dead for 11 hours, got Alex out the door to school, and went back to bed for another 2 hours. I've been a little sleepy all day but I did manage to get out and about. I ordered a pair of prescription sunglasses! Yay! I'm broke, but I'll be able to see in sunshine! I don't remember being so sensitive to sunlight - but it has been a long dreary winter.

I'm still SuperMom. I've managed to get my kid into bed within 1.5 hours of her bedtime all week. I found 3 of her mittens in the Lost & Found at her school. I went to her school play despite how sick I was that week. She got flowers even though she had no speaking part, wore black, and pretty much hung out in the back. They are two weeks old now and are still pretty-ish. I think it's a commentary on how cold her room is more than my green thumb... Why is her room always the coldest room in the apartment and my room the hottest?

Speaking of the kid: no one is moving out of the big apartments on the other side of the town line. That means that the baby will be nearly a year old before we have a bigger place, but Alex can stay in the awesome school in Colchester! I know that the bigger place would be really nice - it has a sunroom and the living room is nearly the size of our whole apartment - but the rent is huge and the schools suck.

Went to the midwife yesterday. Our next appointment is 20 weeks. We will get to see the baby. The muffin will be half way to being baked. SQWEEE!!!

For the last week or so I've felt little flutters in my stomach. It's sort of like a fighting fish with a really big tail swimming around in a little bag. In my stomach. Having felt it before and being sick in bed were definitely conducive to noticing such a gentle movement.

The queasies have mostly gone away. Mostly. My appetite is nothing like what it was. I have lost 15 pounds since my first appointment (pre-pregnancy) at the midwife's - and it's been pretty consistent. I was down 15 pounds at the last appointment too. The midwives want me to give them a three-day food diary for the next appointment. They are not picking on me - everyone gets to do it. I hate it and it makes me self-conscious. I don't eat. I nibble. And sometimes I don't eat for hours. For example: today I had half of a toasted turkey sandwich, a Hershey kiss, most of a pickle spear, half of an oversized oatmeal raisin cookie, two slices of pepperoni and mushroom pizza, and a cheezy bread stick. I may or may not eat again before bed. Keep in mind that I effectively slept until 11. Three days of this? I wish I were hungrier. The sandwich was awesome, but I couldn't finish it. It's in the fridge.

Anyway. It's been a boring and eventful couple of weeks. I can't wait for Bryn and Al to be able to feel the baby!

The Study I Volunteered For

I mentioned this way back in the first post; I'm enrolled in a study at UVM's Clinical Research Center. They are studying preeclampsia: can it be predicted, avoided, and how do we treat it? It's a pretty neat study. It's number 1018 down next to the bottom of this page.

The second visit of the study, for me, is on Wednesday. I will officially be in my second trimester (woot!) and the pregnancy will be more secure. I will only be there for a few hours this time. They will take vials of blood, do a few sonograms of veins and arteries (including the one that feeds my uterus so I may get a view of the baby), and release me into the wild... After, of course, having fed me and collected my pee.

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I have to eat what they supply for me. I picked up Sunday and Monday's meals today. Salads and whole wheat pasta dishes. There is a dessert for Sunday night, but not Monday. The macaroni and cheese looks good. I'm almost looking forward to the meals. Almost. I had talked to the woman who made the meals about my food preferences and we discussed my yogurt and nut aversions and that I had been eating egg and cheese on a bagel every morning... We never discussed my bean aversion. There are beans in both dinners. And since they can't measure the nutrients in each individual egg - I have egg substitute for both breakfasts. The salads look beautiful though. Garbanzo beans and all. A courier is coming Monday with my meals for Tuesday.

I will be fasting when I arrive at the hospital at 8am on Wednesday. Not so much as a sip of water. I will have a headache (having ridden the bus there) and demand they hurry up so I can drink.  The first thing I do lately is wake the Boo and prep her snack and breakfast and pour myself a glass of juice. I get some fluids, vitamin C, and a boost of sugar. I will not have my hummingbird fuel on board when I see the happy hospital staff...

I will present to them all of my leftovers and a jug of my pee. They will measure and analyze both of them.

I think I signed up for this study for the same reason I allow training nurses and midwives and doctors to help out during my exams. I want to help people learn. Since I can't teach them myself, I help them in the only way that I can. I really do think that dissecting the frog is not something you can substitute with a diagram. I have an aunt with three kidneys and a friend with one huge one - real-life is so much freakier than a diagram.

I'll let you know how it goes.

First Exam

There are three midwives at Tapestry Midwifery. Heather is the one with whom we started (that just sounds awkward, but I have an ancient English teacher screaming in my head), but she is pregnant and may not be back from her maternity leave before I deliver. Bryn and I decided to rotate through the midwives and get to know all of them as a matter of principle.

Today we met with Martha and her shadow. Alaura (sp?) is a midwife in-training and she sat in on my appointment and took my blood pressure. I was raised in a medical household, so I tend to be completely fine with trainees observing and helping - they have to learn somewhere. I'd rather have a doctor, nurse, or midwife who was allowed to listen, observe, and help than one who was constantly denied the opportunity while still learning. I treated her like a shadow and practically ignored her. I feel a bit guilty about that, but for those of you who have had "female" exams before, I think you may understand my detachment.

Bryn and I started by telling Martha how the pregnancy was progressing and how different this one is than Alex's. Instead of my face clearing up and feeling fantastic, I have completely broken out, I am queasy and exhausted. Martha smiled and gave me the old rote about no two pregnancies being alike. She also said that there are some OTC things I can do for my face and if it comes to it she can recommend a dermatologist consult. I think I'll stick it out. Martha mentioned rosacea and having read about it, I have to agree... I'm really not happy about this. She also mentioned that my blood work came back good, except my iron levels are where she would want them at 28 weeks - I need to step it up. Ugh...

We talked about my last pregnancy and her delivery and my labor and Martha reassured me that Tapestry is probably a much better fit for me than my old cranky OB had been. I don't want to get into Alex's birth story. But Martha had worked with the man who replaced my old OB and we agreed that he was very sweet and worth the hour trip for an annual Pap.

Down to the exam. Blood pressure was done by the shadow 110/74, which is perfectly normal but a bit high for me. But I'M GOING TO HEAR THE BABY! So I laid back, Martha gooped my belly (apologizing that she needed to use the goop, when the baby is bigger and easier to get at they use coconut oil), and ran the microphone over my belly. She had mentioned that it's still a little early and it may take a while to find it yet, but she pressed the mic down and slid it half and inch and "swishswishswishswishswish" loud and clear. I think Bryn came up out of his chair. The look on his face was amazing. He looked shocked and surprised and thrilled and so full of love. I thought he was going to scoop me up abdomen first and press his ear to my belly. We are going to bring Alex to the next appointment so she can hear too.

Obviously not me, but so you know what we were hearing:


And I am in my 12th week, so the heart rate is pretty accurate.

After listening to the baby, Bryn was asked to leave. This is the part of the exam that I dread and is no longer safe for children to read about. This is where I get asked about my past, my triggers, and whether or not I am safe in my current relationship. Ugh... I blamed my flashbacks and nightmares during Alex's pregnancy on the OB asking me those questions - I hadn't been thinking about any of it before he brought it up - it's all his fault! Well... not so much. Obviously. Most women who have been abused or assaulted have control issues and there is no control over what your body is doing during pregnancy or labor or delivery (well, a bit, but not nearly enough) and pregnancy is inherently sexual so all those vulnerabilities resurface and wreak havoc on a pregnant woman's mind. For some women a certain body position will freak her out for others it has situational triggers: showers, mustaches, Aspen cologne... For me there's one of each. I explained about Bryn shaving his face clean and kissing him and I had terrible nightmares, so he grew back his facial hair. Martha "awww"'d and phrased the next question gently, "So you feel safe in your current relationship?" instead of "Do you?" which I think was nice of her.

This next bit is more biological. My chest is clear, my heart sounds good, I got swabbed for chlamydia, the walls of my vagina are healthy and pink, and I have a "lovely" purple cervix. The shadow actually called my cervix "lovely" and I thanked her; it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about my cervix.

The swab for chlamydia will prevent the baby needing eyedrops. As I will be nursing immediately and eternally (if you've been there you understand), the Vitamin K shot will be unnecessary. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get around the Hep B vaccine. In talking to my mother, the RN, the Hep B is to protect the baby from the hospital. As the kid will be rooming in with me, not mopping up blood, swapping needles, or having unprotected sex, I think I may be able to get out of the hospital without the shot. I hope.

Two Services

There are two things that I'm looking into with this baby that didn't happen or have a possibility of happening with Alex.

The first is diaper service. I went through so much research with Alex about how to diaper her. The arguments about landfills and plastics and waste water and energy use and which was worse for the environment. I crunched numbers for over two weeks (the joys of unemployment) and came to the conclusion that if I could find an environmentally responsible diaper service, cloth would win out over disposables. Between my energy consumption on the washer that was older than I was, the wear and tear on the septic tank, and the fact that I would have no help out in the middle of nowhere, I was swayed by the allure of disposable diapers. I now live in civilization. There is a diaper service and they have environmentally friendly washers and driers. They also have rates that, after paying for the diapers, are comparable and better to buying box after box of disposables. So, hint-hint, I think I would really like to go with the diaper service.

The other thing is something that never occurred to me while I was pregnant with Alex. Placental encapsulation. Don't laugh. Mammal mommas have been eating placentas since the dawn of time. The site has some really interesting information about the benefits of ingesting the placenta. I spent a bit of time wondering about the placenta when I had Alex. There were jokes made about placenta omelets and smoothies, but I thought there had to be something... important about placentas. Just a few months ago, a friend of mine from college, who is now a labor and delivery nurse in Chicago, had her placenta encapsulated. She seemed to have no post-partum depression at all. Since I have struggled with depression for over a decade, I think that this may be a tool to help keep me off anti-depressants for as long as possible. I have no idea how much it will cost but there is a woman in Montpelier that encapsulates placentas. I'll email her when I have a bit more nerve...

So those are the two things I've been researching lately. If after reading up on the subjects anyone has any ideas, comments, or suggestions, just leave a comment.

Stuff

So much is on my mind that I'm just going to have a gobbledy-gook post this evening. Sorry about that.

Went for my prenatal blood test today. We went all the way down to Porter Medical Center to do it so we could see the Birthing Center. It's about an hour drive. Today it was snowing. Fifty minutes was good enough, especially considering I didn't know exactly where I was going. Come August, it will either be easier or harder to make it in an hour, being in the heart of Construction Season and all.

The blood draw was easy. I hate blood draws, so the lab tech letting me babble at her was fantastic. I hope Alex's first real blood draw isn't traumatic; I'm pretty sure she's O neg like me. I'd like her to be able to donate blood without inducing trauma on volunteers.

The tour was cool. The Birthing Center is tiny. We were shown the recovery room that one might be moved to if they are really busy. There are two of those. Then we were shown a birthing suite. If it's not busy that would be the room I'm admitted to, labor and deliver, and recover in and the baby would room-in. There are three of those rooms. The nursery is all glass and the nurse reassured us that the baby would only really be there for a heel prick, or in an emergency, that is where the baby would be stabilized before transport.

I live a fifteen minute bus ride from the hospital they would probably transfer the baby (or myself) to, if there were an emergency. Taking public transit from my house is a quicker ride than in a speeding ambulance from Middlebury... I know that birth is normal and natural and has happened all over the world for eons. As a reader and student of the female condition, I have a hard time forgetting that women and infants have died in childbirth, or shortly thereafter, for eons. I was a C-section because my mother's pelvis would not separate. After 46 hours of labor, my delivery was an emergency. I spent a week in the NICU at Mary Hitchcock (a tale worth its own post). Alex was born after my membranes were ruptured for me and the doctor had me on pitocin for a total of 16 hours. I got nine hours off for sleep and one for lunch. I'm a little nervous. I think Bryn is too, but we haven't really articulated our fears to one another. He doesn't like "dwelling" and thinks that bad thoughts can manifest into the things feared. I want to talk about our fears, but I don't want to upset Bryn. He'll just tell me there's nothing to worry about.

I want waffles.

So Dev, I've been reading a bit and I'm not sure I need a doula. At least not this far out. I'll still need to research a bit, but I think I may (oh boy) be fine. I have a fantastic set of midwives - who are beloved of the nursing staff at Porter, by the way. The nurse who gave us the tour asked who we were going with and she just had fantastic things to say about each of the midwives. She loves the midwife we are going with, but she is pregnant so we are going with Martha for our visit next week, which was just fantastic with the nurse, but Anita is really very sweet too, she should know, she used to work in their office. And then there is the fact that my mom's new best friend is a midwife who has offered her more maternal services. Lord knows I'm not letting Mom in for delivery, but her best friend may be welcome. And then there is Bryn. I think the family friend may be what I need. I'll keep researching though.

I think I may be over the worst of the queasy thing. I still have bouts of it, but my main urge is to eat my way through it. What I really want is cantaloupe. Or waffles. I had a mad craving for cheese steak sandwiches two weeks ago. I must have eaten three of them that week. Spinach salads sound good until I go to choose a dressing. I like creamy dressings on my spinach, vinaigrettes don't really cut it, but the smell of the creamy dressings just puts me off. Pretzels were unappealing for a while. That was just weird. Peppermint tea, one sugar, room temperature is the greatest beverage ever. I can even forgo the sugar, just don't make me drink it hot.

I want a Twizzler.

I have a new primary care physician. He's asked me to call him by his first name. I feel old. He's really friendly and super sweet though. He checked me out, told me that the midwives can check my abdomen and breasts, and recommended a new brain care specialist. I was not in the least off-put by his attitude towards my pregnant places - I kind of liked that he was more than happy to defer to the ladies who DO pregnancy. I will see him again in a few months.

The new brain care specialist (I have seen counselors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc... I've seen them all for the same thing - my mental health (that I stole the phrase from a Vogon is irrelevant)) is a neat lady in the same office as the new doctor. She let me babble for the first hour. Maybe at tomorrow's meeting she will speak more. She implied that she would, but time will tell. I was working on weaning off of my anti-depressants while I was trying to get pregnant. The stomach virus finished the job. She and I are going to work on keeping me that way, at least until the baby is weaned. That is my goal. I had a rough time last year. Wish me luck.

I've been a bit of a hormonal mess. Bryn can probably speak to it better than I can so I will leave off with the fact that I was bawling yesterday about dishes. I was threatening to pile them in the driveway and run them over with the car rather than wash them. He couldn't understand me through the blubbering and thought I said "tissue", as that was what I was looking at when I spoke. He really didn't get the driving pantomime in reference to the snotty tissue. It wasn't just the dishes, of course. I was also a mess about not hearing him correctly. He teases me but I haven't been able to hear his smile lately; all I hear are the words, which I then have an over-reaction to. So he teases me about not doing the dishes, I freak out on him, he tell me to calm down, I realize I'm over reacting and completely meltdown. Within said meltdown I bring up all the other things that make me unhappy. I have no passion anymore, I can't hear his smile, I can't stand being touched, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my degree, I have no idea how we are going to pay for the trip to Boston, I have no Work-Study money this semester, crap I haven't finished reading Uncle Tom's Cabin, I sleep too much, there's too much laundry, should we cloth diaper the baby?, if I could afford disposables I can afford the diaper service, right?, AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!! And then I start driving over tissues. It's a good thing Bryn loves me. Alex worries when I cry. Bryn tells her I'm fine and I try to reassure her as well, but I think it may be a bit scary for her.

Anyone have a Fudge Round? Twix? 3 Musketeers?

I think I'm doing better. Next week is the midwife appointment where I may actually lie down on a table and get my belly prodded. I may get a sonogram. We may discover the gender (maybe).

I want a boy. I want a boy badly enough that I'm wondering if I'm willing to have three girls in an effort to get a boy. I am the only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter. Bryn has female cousins and a sister. He's it for the Milks name. A boy would be so cool. My mom thinks it's cool enough that I'm breaking the only child chain, a boy would be gravy. (Please little Zoe, if you read this, don't be offended. We love you.)

Mmmm.... when is cantaloupe in season again?

Yes, we have names picked out. Yes, if it's a girl her name will be Zoe. Alexandra and Zoe. Get it? I'm not divulging the middle name. I was on a forum when I was pregnant with Alex and we went around one day and shared the names we had chosen for our April babies. A woman who delivered on Alex's due date used my boy name, first and middle, for her son. I was so offended. I looked back and she was going to call him Micheal. I suppose it means I have better taste, but it was weird and I felt robbed. Suffice to say, I'm not really worried about anyone stealing the names so much as I want there to be a bit of surprise. On a side note, neither of our mothers like the girl name. We're sticking to our guns though. We think it's perfect.

I think I've blathered enough for one post. I'm off to find some ice cream. Or an apple. Fruit leather?