PPD Update

Back in November, I was diagnosed with PPD, but marginally. It's more like depression with a dose of newborn.

Babies are drains. Money, sleep, sanity, and any preconceived sense of self start circling that drain the instant the mother "recovers" from the post-adrenaline crash after the first kid is pushed into the world. It's not so bad with subsequent kids. Usually.

I became a better, stronger person with each kid. And, I think, a better mom. "Place the oxygen mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others who may be travelling with you, including small children."

I told my physician about my success with a certain drug (and failure with others). Told him about the studies done on the drug's transmission through breastmilk. Told him I was okay with any risks it might pose, based on what I knew, but if he knew anything additional, we should discuss it. He went to consult with a colleague  who cited the studies I cited. Nothing new. I started on the lowest dose the next morning.

Atticus' behavior has had no discernible change. I felt markedly better within two weeks. The last three weeks, I've had the flu and a stomach bug and I went away for three days. Medication was not a priority. Three days in Montreal would have been better medicated, I think. I'll start again in the morning.

It's nice to feel like me again.

Is this PPD?

I've been medicated for depression since 2001. I was taken off them before I got pregnant with Alex, and stayed off them until she was weaned at 27 months. I was taking them until I got the stomach flu at 10 weeks pregnant with Atticus and couldn't keep anything down. Knowing I have a history of depression, I have been seeing a brain care specialist for months now and everyone is monitoring me for Postpartum Depression (PPD).

I'm not sure, but I think I'm coming down with it.

Everyone, medical, thought I was doing really well. I haven't had an appointment to see anyone in nearly 2 weeks. This week, I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm not sure what happened...

I'm still doing the good mommy stuff. He's got clean diapers, no diaper rash. Feed on demand - started feeling guilty about the pacifier, so we're nursing more (An author I read recently described nursing as being nibbled to death by caterpillars. I enjoy it more than that, but I can see the comparison). Feeling guilty about not pumping, so I haven't put it away. It's still here in the living room. Staring at me.

My nipple actually split the last time I used it, so I have to get my guts up to put it to my breast again. The split has healed; but there's nothing like watching blood and milk getting sucked out of your body, threatening to contaminate the precious half ounce you did manage to pump over the last 40 minutes... Yeah. Pumping and me still aren't buddies. Alex was well fed. She was 90th percentile for length and weight, she was constantly nursing, and I could get maybe half an ounce after pumping for 30 minutes. Atticus... our nursing relationship is weird - I'll blog it later, but I'm sure it's feeding into this PPD thing. And the pumping is even harder this time.

Without a supply of milk for him, I have to take him everywhere. That includes class. My professor is really sweet about it. When Atticus was really wee, he'd sleep and nurse through class. As he's getting bigger, he's less quiet and our nursing relationship is more fraught, so I take him out of the room to nurse. I'm missing class. I'm so embarrassed. I know my course grade is suffering. But at least my professor let me stick it out.

Since Atticus was late and I got mastitis the second week, I missed the first two weeks of class. The other course I was enrolled in, I was told to withdraw. I had already missed too much. Since I was no longer on track to get all my coursework done, I am no longer graduating in May. I'm taking two courses in the spring and another two in the fall. Because I am no longer enrolled in the correct number of courses, some of my financial aid has been withdrawn. I can't make rent in December.

The financial aid thing is a bummer. Since Bryn and I got married (I kind of waited to marry him because of this), I'm not sure how eligible I am for financial aid anymore. I filled out my last FAFSA before we got married, and now it's not my last FAFSA. Keep your fingers crossed for us, folks.

Money shouldn't be that big an issue. Bryn is working darn near full time now. The hourly rate isn't awesome, but it's more than $10/hour and more than 30 hours per week. It's not much, but we can make it through - we get food stamps. We get more food stamps than I think is ethical, but we manage to spend every cent every month. On top of that I get WIC. But money is an issue. Alex's child support isn't getting paid, so I have absolutely no money in the bank. I haven't for months. If I need money, I have to ask Bryn. I can't so much as treat myself to a cup of coffee in a nice cafe. I can't get Alex new shoes. I can't get the oil changed in the car. I can't pay the gas bill or the electric. I can't do anything without asking Bryn for money. And the first thing he asks is if I've spent all of the money he transferred last time. I haven't had more than $10 in my account for more than a few days (waiting for autopay on my phone) since July. Bryn's birthday is next week. His first since we got married. Am I really going to spend his money buying him a present? Last year, without the child support, this wasn't an issue - I had my financial aid. This year? I just want to know that my bills are getting paid. Is it cold in here?

So, my thesis fell through, for a lot of reasons. I knew what I wanted to do; everyone on my committee tweaked it until I didn't really recognize it. I did the reading that they wanted and discovered that what they wanted was stupid (like I thought) and I couldn't make a five page paper, let alone sixty-five, about how stupid my thesis was. I still think my original idea would work, but now I can't prove it. No one wanted to read it. Thesis option has been scratched. Since I'm not writing a thesis anymore, I need to take more courses and take broader comprehensive exams. So we're here in Burlington for another semester, at least.

I hate Burlington. Everything is more expensive than it needs to be. I have so few friends up here that I am surrounded by people and completely isolated at the same time. I am tethered to the house by my homework and the baby. Housework needs to get done increasingly by me now that Bryn is working so much. And no one just drops in. I miss having friends who would just drop by. I miss having friends I could drop in on. I don't know where a single one of my friends lives up here. Doesn't matter. They all have jobs too.

Family.
My mother moved up here! That was cool. She just finally got a job. Second day? She wakes up from a dead sleep with a sore throat. She gets to try again next week. I'm really worried. She has a history of absenteeism, and I don't want it following her to the new job. I worry about her health, but what is the English major going to tell the Registered Nurse?
My father still hasn't seen Atticus. He lives two hours away and hasn't made the trip. But he did write a check for his lifetime hunting and fishing license, so there's that. I haven't called him in months. Not even for his birthday. Daughter of the freaking year... I just hate the guilt-trips.
Bryn's mom... She came (from freaking Florida, Dad) to see Atticus; but she's gone home now.
Alex is awesome. Until she makes me want to throw her outside. The morning clothes argument. The afternoon homework struggle. The nightly bedtime battle. Thank God Nana lives nearby now.

Bryn. He's not a mind reader. He's a good man trying to make the best out of a bad situation. He works hard and he comes home tired and sore. I just want to curl up with him and let everything else go to hell. But he needs some alone time and time with his friends, and the baby and Alex need tending to...

I just wish I felt necessary. Bryn could handle the mornings without me if he got up earlier. And he could go to bed earlier if he weren't waiting up for me. I stress him out and make him worry; that's not contributing. I feed the baby. That's all I can do that Bryn can't do better on his own.

He knows that I'm not right. We just talked about it. He's been worried for three weeks now. I don't eat much. I don't hydrate. I shower on Wednesday and sometime during the weekend. I'm still going to class and getting all my homework done, but that's about it. The kitchen is gross. Mom being around has been helpful - she does dishes and laundry. She also holds the baby so I can do some stuff. But she isn't always here. And sometimes I need to go out.

Yesterday, I found myself running errands in three day old jeans and my hair was still in the ratty ponytail I'd put up the night before. I cleaned up a bit and took Al to caramel apple dipping, then ran home to start supper. Bryn got home, Al got home, and supper was still cooking. Then we had to leave for bowling with our resident advisors. Alex really wanted to go. We had promised... I took supper out of the oven and we went bowling.

It was nice getting out with everyone. And we weren't sitting in the dark ignoring each other. I didn't even score a 50... Bryn did really well. Alex did really well. I want to go again and prove that I can do better. I used to average between 150 and 175... But that was years ago.

I dropped Bryn and Al at home and went to a party. It was nice being out with people from the program (I guess I do know where one person lives...) and beyond. English people and queer folk were invited for board game night. I had to bring Atticus. I was dehydrated so I was confined to water. I was lousy at the board game and I was working on a headache, but I had fun. I think I talked too much. It's been a while since I talked to grown ups other than Bryn or Mom.

Today at a child's birthday party I think I was obviously not with it. The mom kept trying to include me in conversation and she smiled at me a lot. Alex's present was the smallest (and cheapest) and she specifically came over to compliment the game and thank me. I mean, I thought it was neat, but it wasn't that cool. And in hindsight, not a birthday party present. Too small, not showy enough. Al wasn't having much fun, which didn't help my mood. Store cake frosting gives Al a stomach ache, so she hates cake time. She's only ice skated once before, so falling down hurt but she was a trooper. I also failed to get her properly prepared. No hat, no gloves, no helmet. She got a loaner helmet. Remind me to check her for lice tomorrow. At the end of the party the mom thanked me for coming and hugged me. I nearly started crying. I was done. I'd nursed the baby twice, tended to Al's needs and whims, and comforted her poor feet, knees, and hands, stroked her ego and pointed out that no one finished their piece of cake. Al would not shut up most of the way home. I was so done. I just wanted to be done. I fell into Bryn's arms when we got home.

I wanted a nap. I hate that all I want to do is curl up in bed and watch Monsters Inc.

I have an appointment with my brain care specialist on Tuesday. Bryn and I think I need to go back on medication. I've been worse, but we need to get this now. Two or three weeks ago would have been better, but you work with what you've got.

If it were just the situational stuff, I'd be perfectly entitled to being down. Having just had a baby... why does that make me feel guilty about being down? I've always advocated for PPD selfcare, awareness, acceptance and love. It's hard to do it for myself.

The Due Date

Woke this morning to a call from the midwife's office asking me to meet her at the birthing center 2.5 hours earlier than my appointment was scheduled for originally.

We were rushing to get out the door when we got a call to meet her at the same time but at her office. We all breathed a sigh of relief and were still 5 minutes late.

I timed my contractions the entire way down there and they were about 7 minutes apart. We sat down to talk and she told me to stop timing them - it was making me crazy. She watched a contraction and we talked about how to breathe through them. By watching me, she knew I wasn't there yet. The system was "tuning up". I'd really like the overture to begin...

She did another internal and I'm still at 1 cm, but I'm about 50% effaced. BP was 120/60 just post contraction, so I'm feeling pretty good. My weight went down by 2 pounds from last week. 

This morning, I was queasy and (sorry, TMI) had the poops, so I was really hopeful that today was going to be the day. 

Contractions aren't regular. They aren't hard. They are down the front. I get a few that hurt down into my pelvis, but they are pretty rare. 

I kind of just want to hide in the house, curled up, watching movies, or playing Uno. I cry a lot. Jerry Nelson dying didn't help. I want Alex to have fun and go out. I want Bryn to get on with his day. But if I'm alone all I do is sleep. Or dwell.

Maybe I should get a babysitter for Alex tomorrow and take Bryn out to a movie and/or dinner. 

I'm terrified of missing the first days of classes... I have no contingency plan. This wasn't supposed to happen. The baby was supposed to be "early" or on time - he's a second birth. Bryn has a job interview. Alex has an open house for her new class. Stuff has to happen and ... stressing out is not going to help. But I can't really help it. 

I'll keep you posted.

Quick Update

Went to the midwife today. I've gained 7 pounds in the last week. It's all water-weight, but it cracked Bryn up. I just kept nudging the little weight and he kept saying, "no...", "no...", "you're kidding...", "really?", "no...", "How did you do that?" I had no answer for him, other than, "I just had a banana."

The midwife was not surprised. She says that I'm going to sweat it all out in the first week or so... Like I'm not sweating enough as it is.

I asked for a cervix check. I know that it doesn't predict anything. I know that I could walk around for weeks dilated to 3cm, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know if I was doing anything productive. I'm about 1cm and 25% effaced. My cervix is positioned correctly and the midwife could feel the baby's head and he's positioned well. I cramped a bit after she poked at me, but it wasn't too bad.

I've had about four contractions today. The closest together they've been is 25 minutes.

We toured the birth center again. The nice nurse who showed us around reiterated the midwife's advice: rest, drink, eat. Nap, snack, drink. Be rested, hydrated, and have calorie reserves. Not really a problem. I'm always tired. Always hungry. Always thirsty. I put on a movie that I kind of want to watch and fall asleep before the opening credits are over.

Hopefully, I'll get to spend some time in the hospital in the next few days. I'll keep you posted.

Well, Thursday was lousy...

I have mentioned my midwife and the office and sung their praises to the heavens. I know that everyone in that practice has my best interests at heart. That said, my last appointment was really frustrating.
Bryn and I wanted to get pregnant before I tried to find a job. I've explained this before. We cut it really close to the beginning of my school year with this pregnancy, though. My due date is the Thursday before classes start on Tuesday. This upset my midwife. She wants me to think about deferring for a semester.
I would love to defer for a semester. However, it's not an option. We would lose my loans and we would lose our home. Those things cannot happen. I must remain a "full-time" graduate student in order to keep my money and my home. I also have a thesis I must work on to stay on track. And quite frankly, I want to get the hell out of Burlington and UVM as soon as possible. Martha didn't seem to get it. She just kept pushing for 12 weeks of bonding.
I want that more than anything in the world, but it's not going to happen. I will be wearing the baby to class, nursing in class, reading and writing with the babe in my arms. I know this. I have to do this - it's not an option. Bryn is stressed out enough and didn't need to hear any of this. He confided to wanting to throw pillows at Martha through most of the meeting; she just didn't seem to be hearing what we were telling her. How do you not hear: homeless and penniless with an infant and 7 year old if we take your advice? There was very little compassion for our situation, just insinuation that I was being selfish and unrealistic.
Bryn has been pretty stressed out anyway. Today was his last day of work - his contract was not renewed and he has only received one call back about a job in the last three weeks. His doctor is concerned about his blood pressure. We have to go to Canada on Sunday to settle his father's estate. Arguing with the midwife was not something we needed to add to his To Do list. His BP yesterday was 162/112. Needless to say, I didn't want to add to his aggravation.
When we went to bed last night, I had to spend a little too much time in the bathroom. After four trips to the bathroom, unbearable cramping, and completely voided bowels, I curled up in the recliner for a couple hours of sleep. I got one. Braxton-Hicks contractions suck. From 2am-7am, I was in a lot of pain. I kept denying that they were contractions. They were irregular. They were weirdly timed. They just felt "off". It was easier to tell myself I'd had some bad brisket for lunch.
Bryn felt sorry for me and I just mumbled that I loved him and sent him to work. I crawled back into bed praying that the contractions wouldn't start again. Alex crawled into bed with me at about 10 and watched Sesame Street for an hour before asking for breakfast. So I got 2 hours of sleep.
After talking to the nurse at the midwife's, who told me my iron was low and I need to supplement, she confirmed that I'd been having contractions. Yes, the voiding of the bowels is normal. The nausea that accompanies the contractions is normal. Why don't I remember this?
When Bryn got home from work I told him that they were contractions and he was upset that I had kept that information from him. He appreciated that I let him sleep and that I didn't want to stress him out any more than he already was; but if I was scared and in pain he didn't want me to be alone. All I could think about while I was in pain was that he'd had a dream about me going into labor before the Canada trip and he was all stressed out the next day.
Anyway, Thursday sucked - and I'm including through 7am Friday morning because I hadn't slept yet.
It's over now. And I am grateful.

30 Week Ultrasound

I went in for a second ultrasound today. It wasn't in my plans to have more than one when we became pregnant. Bryn's mom is a speech-language pathologist and according to her research there may be concern that those ultrasound waves could damage developing eardrums and ear bones. I have to repeat myself frequently around Alex... it's either too many ultrasounds (my OB was nuts for them) or she's too busy being her. I'm hoping it's the latter.

We had the first ultrasound and I've shared the pictures here; however, there was concern that I had placenta previa. My placenta was very close to my cervix earlier on and they wanted to make sure that it had moved with my growing uterus.

It did!

I didn't realize how scared I was until Tracy, the tech, told me that my placenta was 2 cm from my cervix and I nearly started crying. Bryn had to be at work, so I had Boo with me. I nearly grabbed her and squeezed her - I refrained (that wand pressing down is decent resistance. I think Tracy works out), but Alex could tell I had been scared. She asked what was wrong and I explained what I had been scared of and Alex just curled up in her chair looking scared. Tracy and I soothed her and explained that we were there to make sure that everything was okay. And we showed her on the screen where the placenta is and where my cervix is and Tracy measured it for her - and we were all relieved.

Bryn was upset he couldn't be there with me, and I told Tracy as much. She got out a different wand and looked for the baby's face. We gave Bryn the 3-D pictures of his son's face. He gushed all over them. He'll scan them and post them to his Facebook wall soon and then I'll steal them and post them to the blog.

Scary day turned into a very good day.

Update:

The Study

I mentioned the pre-eclampsia study that I'm involved with before. To recap: since my mother was hypertensive by the time she was my age, I am an eligible candidate for the study. They gave me as many ovulation detectors and pregnancy tests as I could possibly use. Once I was pregnant, I recorded everything I ate for three days (including weights and volumes, if I salted it or it had ice in it), peed in a jug for 24 hours and went to the hospital for a few hours of tests. They drew a lot of blood, injected a lot of saline and some dye, did several ultrasounds on veins and kidneys, and made me exercise to exhaustion.

They sent me food to eat for the second trimester, but I came down with a terrible cold and felt like hell and begged off. Since the tests are time sensitive, I couldn't make it up once I felt better.

I started eating their food Monday night for my third trimester tests. I recorded everything I ate all day Monday, up until my Monday dinner. I ate their prepackaged food and was still starving. So I ate more food and wrote it on my list. They are studying preeclampsia, which is tied to diabetes and hypertension, so the sodium, sugar, and potassium levels are very strictly proportioned.

Yesterday I was gone in the middle of the day and didn't get home until nearly 9. I was starving, because I hadn't brought any of my food with me, except snacks that could handle not being refrigerated. I had a lot of food waiting for me when I got home... I ate the broccoli and tried to eat the macaroni and cheese, but there was entirely too much spinach in it. All the meals are "healthful" and terribly bland. Except the breakfast cereals and the mac and cheese. The mac and cheese would be awesome if it didn't have so much wilted, limp, gross spinach baked into it. I ate a huge salad and the broccoli, you'd think they could forgo the spinach. Or at least cut back by half. It literally comprises half the content. And I hate spinach.

So the food is bland and there is nothing I can do about it. I have started collecting urine again. I cannot swallow the prenatal vitamins they gave me. I cheated a bit on the first day of food... I hope they still want me and are willing to compensate me for my time.

My goal, when I started was to save all the compensation money and pay for diaper service. But that was last September. Money issues have changed and I may need to pay the electric bill with my compensation. I didn't get any money for the second trimester, since I was sick. I bought a bra and a belly band with the money I received for the first trimester. It's expensive being well-endowed. Damned comfy bra, though.

Tomorrow, I will have been fasting since midnight. I will fast through getting showered, dressed, and on the bus to the hospital for 8:30am. They will collect more urine and blood and run a few more tests and then they will feed me. It will not be enough. I ate my breakfast and my morning snack in one sitting this morning. Two hours ago. I'm seriously thinking about lunch. It's appropriate, time-wise, but it's only been two hours since breakfast. (Have I mentioned that I love summer vacation and sleeping in?)

Bryn has promised me lunch at Misery Loves Co. Big Red - where ever it is. And I have requested that if the weather permits, we head to the lake for a swim. Bryn plans on going hiking with Boo in the morning while I'm at the hospital and they'll pick me up on the quest for the MLC truck.

This time, I'll let you know how the testing went. Seriously.

Baby Stuff

The last post was really light on baby stuff. I'm going to try to make it right with this post.

Today was my glucose test. With any luck, good results will be returned to us on Monday. I failed the one hour with Alex - but passed the three hour; so I'm a little nervous. I ate a good breakfast of tea, eggs, and toast - no jam, juice, honey, or sugar, so I actually felt nearly human when I arrived at the office. The blood draw went scary. The first nurse checked both my arms and called in the other nurse. The second nurse got one good vial and then I just stopped flowing halfway through the second vial. Hopefully, they have enough for the tests they want to run. 

On the 25th I got my hemoglobin tested and it was 12.4 - my goal was 11, so my iron levels seem to be good. I am producing about two pounds of blood this trimester, so I need all the iron I can get. It also ups my clotting factor...

Twenty-nine weeks today. 

My appointments will be every two weeks from now on - and I've scheduled all of them! I'm getting scared. 

The baby is moving like crazy. I get to watch him move. He can stomp on my bladder and elbow my lungs at the same time. He has woken me from a sound sleep. Bryn giggles every time the baby wiggles under his hand. Alex has only felt it once. There is something about her hand that just calms the baby right down. 

I mentioned a box from a friend a while ago - more clothes and diapers have arrived. My sister-in-law sent over a few boxes - and there are a lot of woolly knitted things. Then a friend sent over more clothes and diapers. Seriously, I am ecstatic! I don't think I'm going to need any more newborn diapers. I have more clothes than the little booger could wear before he outgrows them. Now all I have to do is wash them, organize them, and figure out where the heck to put them. The apartment is looking kind of small but a lot of that is camping stuff, baby stuff in bins, and bags full of Alex's stuffed toys. Once the lice scare is over, the toys will go back to her room. The baby stuff needs to find a home. The camping stuff needs to find a home. The rest of the place needs to be cleaned up. 

I've wanted comfort foods lately. Pierogis. Mac and cheese. Graham crackers. Chocolate. Ice cream. Warm and creamy is the ideal, but ice cream is the exception. And I want a lot of ice cream. All the time. 

I've registered Alex for a Big Sibling class. They will tour the maternity ward at Fletcher Allen, learn to diaper and swaddle, and they are going to make birth day cards for the new baby in their family. 

Bryn and I still need to register for birthing class. Insurance will pay for the 10 hour long class, it will not pay for the 5 hour refresher... The one weekend long class is the weekend before I'm due. The other option is five Wednesdays in a row (or Tuesdays or Thursdays, etc...). This is not going to work out well. Bryn and I need to go to Canada for a week in July. No matter which course we register for, we will miss one class because we'll be out of the country. We're also going to need a babysitter for Alex. I'm starting to wonder if I really need to do this... I know I do. I just hate that nothing has been easy lately. 

Nothing ever is though, is it?

Long Week After the Long Weekend

The long weekend made this past week a lot longer...
My mom asked if I could help her out this past week. She'd had a rough couple of weeks/months, so I offered to go help her settle back into her old house and begged off of my first week of my internship.
The weather was appalling. I had the ex-husband drop off the kiddo at my mom's house and Bryn drove her home with him after dropping me off on Tuesday.
Mom and I have always been pretty close. We get along well. We have the same taste in most things. We're both cuddlers and love Brit Night on PBS and ice cream. I have lived with her as an adult and we're okay with that. From what I understand, this is rare. I am grateful that we get on together so well.
Bryn and the kid got home safe, if slowly. Torrential downpours, gusting winds, hail, and a tornado were reported that afternoon all over Vermont. The ex's car was getting hit with enough hail that the kid asked if they could just go back. Once she got to my mom's house she insisted that my mother call my cell phone to make sure we were okay. She was scared to get back into the car with Bryn for the next leg of the trip. Poor booger. It's about 4 hours in one direction between my ex-husband's place and my place. My folks would just do the trip in one shot and it was 5 hours. At least my ex and I have agreed to share the trip. At the meeting place she gets to get out and run around.
We sent Bryn and the kid on their way and Mom and I had a pizza while watching The Vicar of Dibly on VHS. Bryn calls it the Dicar of Vibly...
The next day I got a call from the school nurse. Alex went to her because her head was really itchy. Patient Zero had head lice nits. And I am two hours away. Without a car.
Can we please have a round of applause for my husband - Slayer of Nits, Washer of ALL Things, Scrubber of Child, and all around super Papa?
We were broke. Last month was really bad money-wise. Stuff for killing head lice is expensive; let's not discuss the cost of the special little comb. Between the money that had to be shelled out and the amount of labor that had to go into his Wednesday afternoon, he was a little freaked out. Then he actually received the kid off the bus.
No, she didn't have to go straight home immediately. He spent his afternoon researching head lice and how to kill them. Then he went to the natural food store and bought neem oil and tea tree oil to mix with olive oil to treat her head. The little comb - $8. The letter the nurse sent home with Al requested that the empty box from the over the counter chemical stuff be attached and returned with the child upon her return to school. He'd already paid an exorbitant sum on the all natural stuff and "I will not put that chemical crap on my kid!" - he was so frustrated; I could hear the tears in his throat. ("my kid" - have I mentioned how lucky I am to have him, lately?) I called the nurse on his behalf. She was very sweet. Apparently, the form is verbatim from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) website. It's just a recommendation; follow your conscience - but document it. She completely understood not wanting to cover the kid in chemical pesticides - both of her daughters have had head lice.
Bryn had Al help him clean her room. I'd been on her about it for weeks, but I'm a bad mom and have instilled no fear in her. Between stripping her bed, bagging her soft toys, and vacuuming the two of them were busy enough. Then they actually needed to treat her head.
While she sat with the oil on her head, she read and he replaced the tire on her bicycle. Another expense he was upset about... She had a bicycling field trip the next day (that Bryn was chaperoning), and her front tire wouldn't hold air. The store was out of the basic tires in the right size, so he had to get a self-patching one. Those buggers are expensive.
Thank goodness we had lots of quarters for laundry. Bryn and Alex had a lot of fun on the field trip the next day. It was a rough 24 hours, but they made it.

I had been on the phone with the financial aid office when the nurse called. I received a letter last week saying that I was no longer eligible for financial aid because I had failed a course, which meant that I had not successfully completed 75% of my attempted courses nor maintained a 3.00 GPA. That was news to me. I checked my grades online and had a cumulative GPA of 3.66 and had completed four out of five of my courses.
I had the financial aid office review my account. The girl on the phone may as well have said, "Whoopsie." My financial aid is intact. I just got the confirmation letter in the mail.
However, I had already contacted my advisor because I needed her help in writing up a plan for my future in order to appeal the original decision. I had to reschedule that meeting.
I also had to reschedule my midwife appointment. I was supposed to have my glucose test. Both the meeting with the advisor and the midwife appointment have been moved to this coming Friday. I'm so tired just thinking about Friday.
Speaking of tired - I've been napping. I love naps. I think I need a nap every day. I feel so rested after just a little nap.

So I helped Mom for a few day while Bryn held down the fort at home. Then Mom brought me back and spent a few days with us. Al got to spend the night at the ECHO with her Daisy troop. They sold enough cookies to cover the cost for all the girls. I'm so proud of them. The afternoon after we picked up Al, she had a birthday party to go to - at the local skatepark. She was the only girl there, aside from two older cousins. Al was brave and eventually had a lot of fun. She would do anything for her crush - and that includes spending 75 minutes with 12 boys. Her crush, in return, packed a goody bag specifically for her - she got girly stuff, including lip gloss. *wink-wink-nudge-nudge*?

I'm supposed to write about the baby in this blog, aren't I?
I slept in the memory foam bed at my mom's house. I actually woke up face down one morning. The baby barely moved all day.
Ed arrived on my doorstep with two bags and a bin full of clothes for the new baby. His wife had sorted all the clothes and sent him with nothing but stuff for newborn to six month old boys. I now have 25 newborn sized prefolds and six covers and tons of clothes. I'm not sure we need to buy any baby clothes at all. I'm so grateful I could cry. But I'm also frustrated because I have no idea where to put all this stuff.

My butt hurts. I'm going to stop typing now. This past week was really long. This week is Alex's last week of school. There is so much going on. I'll write about it later.

27 Weeks

I am now in my third trimester. I got an email from one of the parenting sites I joined telling me that the baby is now the size of a rutabaga. I could tell Bryn that the baby was about 14 inches long or 2 pounds, but when I told him about the rutabaga I actually got a half-hearted, "Cool."

Today I had my second WIC appointment. Iron is 12.4! My goal was 11, so I'm pretty proud of myself. I've gained an appropriate amount of weight. I met my WIC sponsored lactation peer counselor. I got to tell my peer and my worker (and the shadowing student dietitian) all about Alex's birth and nursing and the mastitis that turned into an abscess. I got information about birthing classes and a class for older siblings. My insurance will pay for the 10 hours of birth class, which is a huge load off my mind. All my knowledge is 7 years old and rusty and the $140 price tag was a little scary. Bryn thinks we can swing the sibling class.

I was bad today. I was downtown for the WIC appointment and there was some time before the bus so I stopped at the scoop shop... I had a caramel machiato. It's a milkshake with made with B&J caramel cup and coffee coffee buzz buzz ice cream. Not only did I have a milkshake for lunch - it had espresso beans in it. I bounced off the walls for a while. As I was coming down I got a mad craving for strawberry ice cream. So I got an ice cream cone.

I want bad things. With Alex I craved ceasar salads - genuine ceasar salads. Raw eggs and anchovies were the worst parts of the salad. Now I want burgers, beer, ice cream, gin and tonics, cookies, espresso drinks, iced tea, things swimming in melted butter...

I think the caffeine is well and truly wearing off now. I'm really tired.  I'll write again this weekend when I'm not so beat.

Baby for the Midwife

Bryn drove me to our midwife appointment today. We left 15 minutes late and arrived only 6 minutes late. The drive seems really long from the passenger seat. And the hospital is another 15 minutes down the road and we've only been there once and I was driving. I will not be driving when I'm in labor. I will also be lousy at giving directions. I think I'm going to need to let Bryn drive to the hospital, just to practice, at some point this summer. Panic attack over. For now. 

Our midwife is going on maternity leave. I'm not sure how I feel about this. She is leaving the Friday before Memorial Day and won't be back until the first week of September. Unless I deliver over a week late, she will not be at the birth. She is hopeful that I will deliver on time. I have had appointments with the other two midwives. I really liked one of them. The other one was brusque and I didn't like her as much. She is the one my next appointment is with. Perhaps she was just having a bad day. We'll see.

The next appointment my glucose gets tested. They only stock the orange flavored stuff. I'm not looking forward to it (says the woman who just ate a pint of lemon sorbet). And we are going to schedule another sonogram for 32 weeks. The placenta is attached close to the cervix and they want to make sure that while my uterus is expanding the placenta placement is moving further up. Apparently, if the placenta is placed too close to the cervix when the cervix opens the placenta becomes prematurely detached and bleeding commences. Lots of bleeding. Like, Mom is going to need a transfusion bleeding. 

This visit: I gained five pounds since my last visit. I had lost 15 between my pre-pregnancy visit and my first prenatal visit - and it had stayed off. So, I'm down 10. So far, everyone is okay with this. My uterus is 24cm which is perfect since I'm 24 weeks along. Considering that I had an internship interview, had to visit the courthouse, missed my bus, and was a passenger in the car to the appointment my blood pressure was a lovely 162/80 and the baby's heart rate is about 140 bpm. 

So this was a pretty boring update, but... better boring than not boring at this point. 

First Exam

There are three midwives at Tapestry Midwifery. Heather is the one with whom we started (that just sounds awkward, but I have an ancient English teacher screaming in my head), but she is pregnant and may not be back from her maternity leave before I deliver. Bryn and I decided to rotate through the midwives and get to know all of them as a matter of principle.

Today we met with Martha and her shadow. Alaura (sp?) is a midwife in-training and she sat in on my appointment and took my blood pressure. I was raised in a medical household, so I tend to be completely fine with trainees observing and helping - they have to learn somewhere. I'd rather have a doctor, nurse, or midwife who was allowed to listen, observe, and help than one who was constantly denied the opportunity while still learning. I treated her like a shadow and practically ignored her. I feel a bit guilty about that, but for those of you who have had "female" exams before, I think you may understand my detachment.

Bryn and I started by telling Martha how the pregnancy was progressing and how different this one is than Alex's. Instead of my face clearing up and feeling fantastic, I have completely broken out, I am queasy and exhausted. Martha smiled and gave me the old rote about no two pregnancies being alike. She also said that there are some OTC things I can do for my face and if it comes to it she can recommend a dermatologist consult. I think I'll stick it out. Martha mentioned rosacea and having read about it, I have to agree... I'm really not happy about this. She also mentioned that my blood work came back good, except my iron levels are where she would want them at 28 weeks - I need to step it up. Ugh...

We talked about my last pregnancy and her delivery and my labor and Martha reassured me that Tapestry is probably a much better fit for me than my old cranky OB had been. I don't want to get into Alex's birth story. But Martha had worked with the man who replaced my old OB and we agreed that he was very sweet and worth the hour trip for an annual Pap.

Down to the exam. Blood pressure was done by the shadow 110/74, which is perfectly normal but a bit high for me. But I'M GOING TO HEAR THE BABY! So I laid back, Martha gooped my belly (apologizing that she needed to use the goop, when the baby is bigger and easier to get at they use coconut oil), and ran the microphone over my belly. She had mentioned that it's still a little early and it may take a while to find it yet, but she pressed the mic down and slid it half and inch and "swishswishswishswishswish" loud and clear. I think Bryn came up out of his chair. The look on his face was amazing. He looked shocked and surprised and thrilled and so full of love. I thought he was going to scoop me up abdomen first and press his ear to my belly. We are going to bring Alex to the next appointment so she can hear too.

Obviously not me, but so you know what we were hearing:


And I am in my 12th week, so the heart rate is pretty accurate.

After listening to the baby, Bryn was asked to leave. This is the part of the exam that I dread and is no longer safe for children to read about. This is where I get asked about my past, my triggers, and whether or not I am safe in my current relationship. Ugh... I blamed my flashbacks and nightmares during Alex's pregnancy on the OB asking me those questions - I hadn't been thinking about any of it before he brought it up - it's all his fault! Well... not so much. Obviously. Most women who have been abused or assaulted have control issues and there is no control over what your body is doing during pregnancy or labor or delivery (well, a bit, but not nearly enough) and pregnancy is inherently sexual so all those vulnerabilities resurface and wreak havoc on a pregnant woman's mind. For some women a certain body position will freak her out for others it has situational triggers: showers, mustaches, Aspen cologne... For me there's one of each. I explained about Bryn shaving his face clean and kissing him and I had terrible nightmares, so he grew back his facial hair. Martha "awww"'d and phrased the next question gently, "So you feel safe in your current relationship?" instead of "Do you?" which I think was nice of her.

This next bit is more biological. My chest is clear, my heart sounds good, I got swabbed for chlamydia, the walls of my vagina are healthy and pink, and I have a "lovely" purple cervix. The shadow actually called my cervix "lovely" and I thanked her; it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about my cervix.

The swab for chlamydia will prevent the baby needing eyedrops. As I will be nursing immediately and eternally (if you've been there you understand), the Vitamin K shot will be unnecessary. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get around the Hep B vaccine. In talking to my mother, the RN, the Hep B is to protect the baby from the hospital. As the kid will be rooming in with me, not mopping up blood, swapping needles, or having unprotected sex, I think I may be able to get out of the hospital without the shot. I hope.