Being Mom

Alex was sick this afternoon. I hate that in ways that I cannot fully express. I hate that she doesn't feel well. I hate that she has so much practice at this that she throws up better than I do. I hate that it feels like instinct to be there when she does it. I hate the look on her face when I wipe it off. I hate that she asked for a bowl for next to her bed tonight. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Bryn has told me that my immune system is in hyperdrive because of the pregnancy. I'm not sure I believe him, but as I'm the Momma, I don't have much choice but to run with it. Momma is the comforting one. Papa is pretty good at cleaning up the mess, if there is a mess, but Momma is for cuddles and snuggles and reassurance... as much as I want to hide under the covers.

My discomfort with this tummy thing has me concerned about being a mom again. I'm having all the concerns I had when I was pregnant with Alex, but add in the difficulties that I had with Alex that I never expected.

Alex had jaundice. Alex would not be swaddled. Alex had a terrible latch. She was colicky. I had never heard of rotovirus until she was better. She didn't sleep through the night until she was three. We had to worry about bullies in daycare. There are all kinds of things that I thought I would never have to worry about again and now I'm pregnant. There is a little person doing flip-flops in my abdomen and I have to worry about him all over again.

Bryn says not to worry. This kid is half him and half me. We were calm kids, we were natural nursers and pretty healthy kids. I slept through the night in a matter of weeks. I should be calm and happy to meet the new person, but it's so scary. Starting all over with a new person. I was so excited a couple of weeks ago and now I'm scared. I guess I will come around again, but the guilt just feeds the fear. I think I know what I'm talking to my therapist about tomorrow...